DON'T MISS CYCLEMANIA 8...!!!!!!!!!

Coming this weekend to the Mountains of Southern France it's CYCLEMANIA 8!

Available in the U.S. ONLY ON VERSUS, the stage is set for another memorable smack down of stupefying proportions!

The Lance-ster has come storming out of retirement to again prove to the world that he's stronger than cancer and all the naysayers!

But now, his biggest challenge may just prove to be his former friend and current teammate Rowdy Roddy Contador, the defending Cyclemania Champion!

Will The Lance-ster and his one cobbler be able to overcome the attacks of his team mate and rival, will he be the victim of a team double cross? Can one of the other superstars steal the show and walk away the victor in the winner-take-all cagematch...?!?

Special appearances by Denny "Superfly" Menchov, Fabian "Pretty Boy" Cancellara, and Tommy "The Animal" Boonen and the rest of the CYCLEMANIA SUPERSTARS!

Brought to you by Trek, Nike, FRS Energy Drinks, Beckton-Dickinson Hematology Products, and our newest sponsor: Gonadotropins Unlimited, LLC.

BE THERE, THERE, THERE, THERE, THERE....
______________________

No time for a proper post...

...just a few links.

• It looks like maybe there are some journalists out there besides Walsh who are starting to get it.
• At least here, soccer beats cycling, hands down
• The Swiss tell the US to fuck off...good for them, too
• Another guy sentenced to death exonerated. I used to be a pro-death penalty guy. Since I've gotten older, I just don't trust prosecutors and the fucked up US court system to get it right with enough consistency to warrant taking a person's life.

Okay, here's the hot chick pic:



PSYCH...!! Here's the REAL hot chick pic:

Great...just great.

Today after work I walked up to the pool to meet Ms. Hoovis at my daughter's swim practice. When I got there Ms. Hoovis was sitting with 1/2 dozen other moms bullshitting like women do about the topic du jour. As soon as I got there, they all got awkwardly quiet.

In every head: "There he is, the wife beater."

Right on schedule, my campy ergo shifter is going through its 8000 mile failure. Again, Sez is hooking me up with another one while I send it out for rebuild. Maybe this time I'll just say "fuck it" and spring for the Chorus upgrade. Gotta check with the accountant and see if she'll let me. I just plunked down my room reservation for Homecoming Weekend up at good old Blue Collar U, so maybe now's not a good time. Have to think about it...

This is good: world's strongest vagina. 14 kg...Jesus fucking Christ...!

Okay, okay...on to the hot chick picture

Ms. Hoovis Biffed Today

Happened on a ride with a few other chicks...she ran into a rear wheel and took out Yucca plant in someone's front lawn. Nothing major...a good way to work the bad biff karma before the mid season races. No worries, In addition to the bike being fine, I've confirmed that all her really important parts are still functioning. A few days of soreness and a bruise or two, nothing worse.

I spent this weekend in Lancaster, one of the few places in the world where you can send out an e-mail about a ride at 6:00 pm on Saturday night and have 12 good riders show up to go out and hammer at 8:00 am the next morning. There are few things better in the world than a being in group of strong guys working a double paceline on a nice 15 mile stretch of rolling road...

This is cool: there's a cycling development series going on down in Warrenton VA in August. Its aimed at Cat IV/V, age group, women and juniors. If that's you, check it out. If you know someone that might benefit, forward it.

Just don't link any juniors to this site...

Someone let granny know we found her stockings...!

Happy Independence Day

Summer's in full swing...lots of racing, training, beer drinking and hanging out going on. It's the best time of the year.

I got lucky and was able to cut out of work early on Wednesday to drive up to Lancaster to ride with crotchety old Will, Hollenbukkake, and the boys. After Will's trainer, we all headed over to Wednesday Worlds. For some reason, though, I felt like complete dog shit the entire time, and I almost dropped out. Thursday, I felt pretty sick most of the day, so I'm hoping that it was just some sort of virus or something. Bike racing is fun...except when you feel like shit, then it sucks...


Wednesday Worlds was almost this uncomfortable

This morning I'm off to get all the kids to a 4th of July picnic, then it's out to ride. Can't let myself go, though. Nebo is next weekend and that race won't forgive you for having an extra few pounds of hamburgers and beer hanging from your ass.

Have a great weekend. And remember: never give up.

I'm starting to get tired of doing this

To: letters@outsidemag.com
From: burt.hoovis@gmail.com
Thursday, July 2, 2009 6:44 PM
Subject: Input on the July 2009 Issue

I concluded a long time ago that Outside was a magazine aimed at people with more money than judgment, where basic journalistic integrity is eschewed in favor of sophomoric attempts to convince people of what's "cool, hip and extreme" as a poorly veiled tactic to sell gear well beyond the needs of the typical reader.

Your latest cheerleader piece on Lance Armstrong is another fine example. Don't talk about all the piss samples from 1999 which were positive for EPO upon retest, the failure on his commitment to post results of this season's blood testing on his website, the admissions from numerous former teammates and associates that he was behind a systematic doping program at Motorola and Discovery, etc., etc., etc. Why bring that stuff up? After all, those kinds of icky questions might be problematic when it comes to attracting advertising from Oakley, Trek, Nike, and other folks, right?

Please forward this correspondence to your Circulation Department so they can arrange to stop sending me your rag. It will save me the trouble of depositing it in the garbage each month.

Sincerely,
Burt Hoovis

The first of the pre-tour positives

Dekker.

I wonder why they don't go back and re-test all the tour winner's samples for the past 10 years like they did here...?

OMG

If you can watch this without getting a chub, you're either gay or dead:


Two Smokin Hot Girls Kissing - Watch more Funny Videos

Okay, I guess you could be a chick and not find that interesting...probably not, though.

I think I may have posted that already a while ago...whatever, suffer through it again.

Keeping my fingers crossed that maybe, just maybe, I can make it to Wednesday Worlds tomorrow...

Hollenbukkake dug this one out from ~2004

I'm pretty sure that Miller still has those shorts.

Ms. Hoovis and I did the state TT this weekend. They almost didn't let Ms. Hoovis start... no, not because she's affiliated with me. It was because she was wearing a triathlon race suit and USAC rules clearly state that you must have sleeves to compete in an event. So they were going to keep a Cat IV one day licensed woman from competing and having a chance to expose themselves to the sport...makes loads of sense. Luckily Russ Blake came through and lent Ms. Hoovis a jersey out of the back of his car and the day was saved.

I bet this chick could save someone's day:

The stupidist thing in the world

I'm watching the TV coverage of Washington D.C. event of the World ITU Championship, and I'm (again) coming to the conclusion that it has to be ITU Triathlons.

What the fuck is the point of doing a triathlon where you can friggin' draft for crissakes? All ITU does is play into the hands of the strongest runner, and we all know what running is. Seriously, there's no reason to try to go alone, because the group is going to chase you down. Then, when they do, everybody's going to ride around really slowly. The only interesting part about ITU triathlons is watching the crashes. Shit, they should make the friggin' chicks cover themselves in at least 3 layers of bubble wrap, because you know that at least 1 of 5 are going to hit the deck at some point.

Thank you Jesus for bringing us college dorm rooms with web cams and high speed internet access.

A sad attempt

From WC Roadie last night:

If you don't know the all the details maybe you shouldn't run your mouth. One tool cried cause he was beat out and said the IH guys were drafting, which they weren't.

The USCF Rules for time trials are pretty straightforward:

(b) No rider shall take pace behind another rider closer than 25 meters (80 feet) ahead or 2 meters (7 feet) to the side. [A rider who is observed taking pace shall receive a time penalty as specified in Table 2]. A rider may also be disqualified for extended and/or repeated pacing.

(c) No two riders may ride abreast other than when attempting to pass and such attempts shall not be maintained beyond a distance of 500 meters. An attempt to pass may be repeated an unlimited number of times but each time a challenging rider fails in his attempt, he shall drop back to 25 meters behind the challenged rider before renewing his attempt.

Now, last year at the PA State Time Trial (which I was present for), 2 riders from the same team were observed riding in close proximity to one another more than once. If the riders are following the rules above, there's virtually no way this happens. One of the guys involved happened to be only a few points behind Mike Whittaker (an excellent TT guy) in the Cat III Pa Bar in what was one of the last events of the year...I guess that's just coincidence too, right...?

Oh yeah, the person who points out the bullshit is a "tool." Nice.


The DQ for one of them was overrulled which proves he wasn't cheating. Perhaps the promoter shouldn't start teammates back to back so this type of BS can be avoided.

Wait, let me get this straight...you're saying that:

1. In the end, one of the guys got DQ'd, so that proves they weren't cheating.

2. It should be the promoter's responsibility to spend his or her valuable time arranging the start lists to make it more convenient for riders from the same team to actually follow some pretty simple rules.

I don't buy either of these assertions. That said, if the persons involved also support these positions, you're unintentionally making a strong case that they (like yourself) might not be capable of understanding the rules.

Essentially the only options are:

A. They were cheating

B. They're really dumb

C. Both (A.) and (B.)


Next time you want to tell my team to go fuck ourselves, get all the facts first, please.

I didn't tell your team to go fuck themselves.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Burt

Witness the POWER of Doucheblog

Received at 5:34 pm today

FROM: PA State Elite TT Championship 40 and 20 KM @ Clarks Valley
-------------------------------------------------

Just wanted to do a quick follow up to my last e-mail. The event will go on and sorry for any inconvenience. Your start time and a list of detailed instructions will be sent to you on Saturday evening. Thx.

You can register for the TT here.

Doucheblog: Bringing positive energy and pictures of hot chicks to the cycling scene, one awesome post at a time.



Oh yeah, you guys who cheated last year...you're still fags.

Did you ever wonder why race entry fees are so high?

I woke up this morning to this in my inbox from the guys trying to put on the PA State Time Trial in Clarks Valley this weekend:

FROM: PA State Elite TT Championship 40 and 20 KM @ Clarks Valley
-------------------------------------------------

Riders,

Thanks for signing up to do the Clarks Valley TT. I am sorry to write this note to you as I love this course and think it's fair and fun (for a TT), but I am quite concerned that this event may not happen under the USA banner. Here is my dilema: USA Cycling has decided to have 6 officials at my event, none of which will be doing the timing. Here is their reasoning: We had one issue last year with drafting (2 team mates, 1 in back of the other). Measures have been put in place for 2009 to insure that this doesn't happen again, such as starting the riders 1 minute apart rather than 30 seconds, mixing up the categories, and checking the roster to ensure no team mates are back to back. I explained all of this to the chief official, but they didn't care and insist on 6 officials for maybe 50 riders. I wrote to them and explanied my perspective, but my words fell on deaf ears. I am not opposed to having officials, but my goodness, let's not overkill the situation.

I'm not sure what to do in this instance, but will make up my mind on Friday evening. Do I get railroaded, do I just suck it up and do the event, or do I have the event under the ABR banner? If the race doesn't go USA, I will refund your money if you wish. It's a shame it has to be this way, but I really feel pushed into a corner.

Last year at the State TT, there was an issue with a couple of retard Cat IIIs from the Iron Hill Brewery team drafting each other so that they could keep Mike Whittaker from winning the PA State Best-All-Around Rider competition. This bullshit was noted and both riders were DQ'd, demonstrating that the systems in place were capable of dealing with the issue.

Now, since I'm not the promoter, I don't know the full story. That said, if the response from the USCF is that, in order to call it a state championship, you need 6 officials present for a time trial that ~50 people may do so that you can reduce the potential for cheating, you're essentially gaurenteeing that there will be no state championship. Either that or the entry fee will be $50 to defray the costs of having 6 officials standing around holding their monkeys all day.

My bet is that the race will still be held, only that it won't be called the PA State TT. If you're interested in doing the race even if its not called the USCF Officially Sanctioned PA State TT, I'd suggest that you let the promotor know so that he can re-open registration.

Oh yeah, you guys who were cheating last year: thanks a bunch...go fuck yourselves now.

Here's an interesting thought: What is the critical factor in the (de)evolution of a regulatory organization from one serving a legitimate need, to one that is a hindering, counterproductive bureaucracy? Is it simply time, or is it money, number of members, the coolness of the uniform? I'm not sure, but its a good question to ponder...

I'm going to ponder this for a few minutes:


BTW, for those of you who think that this site is sexist, I'd like to disclose that Ms. Hoovis helps out with the photo selection at times. She picked that one...

There are days when I hate everyone in a car

Take today, for example. I get out of work at 4:30, too late to make it to Wednesday Worlds up in Lancaster, but plenty of time to get a nice 2+ hour ride in before it gets dark.

Halfway through, I'm going down a twisty descent off of Catoctin Mountain (near the original Camp David). The road is very windy and gravely, and its clearly marked with 25 MPH speed limit signs. As I start to set up for a corner, what do I see but a late model Dodge Pickup exiting the right-hander that I'm about to ride into with his front tires ~6 inches from the gutter on MY SIDE of the road...plus, the guy had to be going at least 40 miles per hour up the hill. The motherfucker had to jerk the wheel hard right to keep from plowing into me, and I missed hitting the back end of his bed by less than a foot as I threaded the needle between his truck and the drop-off into the gutter. Of course, after nearly killing me, the guy didn't even stop...he just sped on up the hill.

I really thought for sure that my end would come as a biker down post to Drunk Cyclist.

Dudes have been e-mailing me about all the "what if" intrigue surrounding the potential of Contador riding for Garmin/Chipotle if the Astana money falls through. Really though I find myself incapable of getting interested in pro cycling anymore...the battle is over, the empire has won, and its all just a bunch of cheaters trying to out screw each other. At least when I watch pro wrestling, I get to see chicks with fake boobs.

This chick's boobs might be fake...can't really tell from this angle, though:



- This is good: 250lb fat ass Chicago cop gets drunk and acts like an asshole in a bar. When the 125 female bartender refuses to serve him, he walks behind the bar and smacks the shit out of her...its all caught on film. Result? Cop gets 2 years of probation and community service. What a fucking joke.

- I have a hard time figuring out whether I hate Republicans worse than Democrats of vice/versa. One things for sure though, few things beat watching a hypocrite family values Republican have to eat shit when they get busted acting like an immoral asshole. I'm hoping like hell that the "dear dear friend" ends up being an Argentinian shemale.

- How fucking retarded is Scientology...?

Need a new ride...?

Here's a good deal:



Okay, so it might need a little cleaning up. Big Deal.

I was planning on driving up to Lancaster to do Wednesday Worlds this week, but The Man has other plans for me. Oh well, maybe next week...or the week after that...

Happy fathers day...!

I had to get up on the wrong side of 4:00 am today to get the old lady up to the Harrisburg Triathlon this morning to make sure she was on time for her 7:00 am dip in the Susquehanna. After that, it was back in the car to run down to the East side of Lancaster so that dad could do Cargas. Of course, we dragged the kids along for the whole friggin' thing. They were most appreciative.

If you happened to be watching the 45+ race at Race Avenue Criterium a few weeks ago, you might have noticed a somewhat fat guy with a bright red head and an equally bright green jersey riding around, drafting, and eventually finishing 4th. It was none other than the rather infamous Mark Whitehead, the guy whose adverse reaction to a transfusion helped to break the story about blood doping by the US Cycling Team at the 84 Olympics. In the event that you thought that American Crit Monkeys on Drugs was a recent phenomena, you might want to give a listen to the interview with him that competitor radio did in May. Listening to guys talk about drugs, cheating, getting into fights at races, and other low behavior like its cool is kind of disgusting...what a douchebag...

Flick made me friggin' crash this morning

A few days ago, Flick posted the taped telephone conversation between Stephanie McIlvain and Greg LeMond, where LeMond lies and says he's not taping her, then she talks about Armstrong's cheating and how he admitted to taking steroids, HGH, EPO, PCP, horse tranquilizers, amyl nitrate, and blotter acid to his doctors. Anyway, I threw it on my MP3 player and was listening to it this morning when I was out training in the rain. I was so caught up listening to it that I leaned into an off-camber left a bit too much and slid out on the wet pavement markings. Luckily I didn't get too fucked up - my left hand is a bit scraped up and I'm definitely going to be sore tomorrow, but it was a good reminder that crashing sucks.

When I got home from my ride, I called Flick and told him what a dick he was for crashing me. Then I went to work.

Someone sent me this article today. In LA, a city of 10 million, they get 100k out for a Lakers victory parade and make a big deal about it. Pittsburgh, with a local population of ~1.2 million, drew over 300k to watch the the Penguins parade the Stanley Cup through town on Monday. The way I figure it, that means that Pittsburgh about 25 times the sports town that LA is. Makes me proud to be a yinzer.

This makes me proud too...and other stuff:

School's out, summer's here...

...but unfortunately for me, I'm helping to host a surprise audit at work, so any training I'm getting done this week has to happen between 4:00 am and 6:30 am.

Super!

They're having a better season than the Flyers, for sure...

Z and the Kelly Boys take the overall at the Tour of Beauce.

Nice work...

Set my PR for 40K Today

Yippie...!

I've have a love/hate relationship with time trials. Back in the day, it would really bum me out to go out and ride a few minutes under an hour, only to get beat by several more minutes by the dudes with god-like VO2s, mashing their 54X11 like there was no tomorrow. It also used to annoy me that guys with tons of disposable income or ones simply willing to run up their credit cards way past what was sensible could go out and literally buy time via the purchase of high-end aero equipment. Taken to the extreme, this phenomena can produce interesting diversions: This spring, while wrenching for Ms. Hoovis at a 40K, I had a ~50 year old hairy legged newbie literally demand that I help him adjust his mis-shifting rear derailler on his brand new $7000 TT rig, since (of course) he had no idea what the fuck the barrel adjuster did. After I obliged, he then had the chutzpa to toss me his jacket to hold while he "competed"...the words "please" or "could you" were not employed. It took me a good deal of self control to not hand the guy his jacket after the event without a deposit of spooge in the pocket.

Despite the crummy stuff, there are some things about TTs that are cool. In addition to being a great way to get introduced to the sport, time trialing is a discipline you can get much better at with practice...most people aren't naturally good at concentrating on riding at their threshold for a set period of time. With training, you really do get better at maintaining the focus necessary to push yourself for a sustained period. Its also true that, of physical skills needed to be good at cycling (i.e., anaerobic "gut strength," high end sprinting ability, and sustained AT efforts necessary for breakaways/TTs), those involved with riding a good TT seem to drop off last with age. My license shows 39 this year, and I continue to ride against the clock as fast (slow?) as I ever did. Go to your local 40K, and you'll always see lots of dudes in the masters classes going way under an hour, doing times that most of the good racers in the early 20s can't touch.

Do I have a point here? Not really...okay, I'll shut up now and post the pic of the hot chick.

Too good not to share

Swashbuckler rode really well in the old fart race at Oxford today. Couldn't beat the guys from Kelly though.

Ryan Dewald was amazing...not only did he win the P1-2 race, but he also finished 20th.

Amazing

Okay, I'm settling in...

...to watch the Pens at Detroit for all the Marbles. I got my beer, I got my sunflower seeds, I got my Malkin jersey on and my Sid Fathead is looking large. I just hope I'm in shape when the alarm goes off at 5:00 am tomorrow morning to get my ass up to the race at Oxford. I'll either be deliriously happy, or really bummed.

My boy Z is leading the Tour de Beauce...hope he and the Kelly boys can make it stick. Yeah, I know there's all kinds of the normal Pre-tour cycling/doping crap starting up right now. I'm not going to talk about that crap today. Today is the Stanley Cup Finals.

Lets go pens...!



Update: Pens Win cup. All is good in the world...

I'm actually a bit jealous

This is the cleanest it will ever be

Hollenbukake got a new Surly Cross Check to replace his old steel LeMond that he neglected until it rusted through and the frame broke. He swapped most of the parts and added new ones where he needed them. I love old skool steel, and Surlys are way cool. Eventually, when my Olmo dies, I'm may get one (or something similar). Think I'd opt for the Pacer, though.

When I was at a work meeting last week, one of the freebies that I got was a laser presentation pointer with a built-in 2 gig flash drive. I didn't really need it, so I gave it to my 11 year old son. He took it to school today, where it was summarily confiscated when he showed it to his friends. When he asked for an explanation for the confiscation, the response from his teacher was something along the lines of "snipers use those, and we have a zero tolerance policy for weapons-related items" (this was his version of the events, and since he's basically an honest kid I'm taking it at face value). I was strongly tempted to call the school and explain that a laser pointer isn't a weapon, and since I have a zero tolerance policy for stupidity I'd like its return. Recognizing that escalating the situation would be unlikely to produce positive results, I decided not to do anything, except to use the episode to re-inforce to the boy that he shouldn't take things he doesn't want to lose to school. I'm sure the other lessons that he's learning are that:

- Life is not fair
- Adults can be stupid
- People in authority shouldn't be trusted to behave rationally

Instead of being frustrated, I probably should be appreciative.

Pens play must win Game 6 tonight. Tomorrow I'm either going to be really pissy or guardedly hopeful. I'll know in about 4 more hours...

Till then:


Need to get me a leopard-print stair runner...

Have't been around much lately

But I just had a fun weekend of racing and hanging out with friends/family, and there's certainly lots going on. In no particular order:

- Masters racing is pretty fun. If, like me, you're starting to realize that all the 300+ mile training weeks in the world aren't going to undo the fact that you're on the wrong side of 35, racing with guys who are your own age AND have jobs is an excellent alternative to having your ass handed to you in P 1-2 races week after week.

- I thought it was pretty funny that the men's field got caught by the women at Philly, even though they started 10 minutes ahead. On one hand I understand: a 10 minute gap really isn't that much, especially when the women are only racing 57 miles, and the men are understandably going to want to take it easy for the first few hours of a 160 mile race. On the other hand, they got caught by the fucking women, for crissakes...

- After I shut off the Penguin game in disgust on Saturday, I got into a discussion with Flick that (of course) lead to a wager. I contend that the 1st iteration of the Tour de Toona was won by non other than that whack-job, no-account mountain biker sleaze and all around good guy Gunnar. Flick is SURE that it was George Yoder, the Cat I from Johnstown, PA. I could't find results back that far (has to be at least 1988) in a brief internet search. If anyone has any information, please share...

- Continuing what is tuning out to be a great schedule for the 1st half of the season, All That is Good is putting on the Oxford Road Race this Saturday. Its the first year for the course, but I expect the typical offering from a Ruoff-organized event (which is a good thing). Should be fun...

Okay, that's all I've got for tonight. Until later...

Uggg

I'm sitting in San Francisco airport...haven't ridden since Monday. I'm going to miss the Penguin game, and I just found out my flight was delayed.

The Coup de Gras: I bought a copy of fucking Bicycling to pass the time.

Pathetic.



Anyway, since I'm in town, here's some bay area stupidity to read about.

traveling for work this week

so not much to post.

One interesting story: was on a the plane from Dulles to San Fran, and I noticed that there were a bunch of really hot russian chicks on the flight, but they all seemed to have really faggotty boyfriends. Turns out that it was the Bolshoi Ballet heading to perform at Berkeley

Race Avenue this Saturday.

Making the tree taller

VID NO LONGER AVAILABLE - Sorry

I know I've been raving about my fenders, but I have noticed a downside: With all the riding in the rain that I've been doing, my shoes are becoming really smelly from being wet all the time. The friggin' things are only a bit over 3 months old, too. I'm going to have to investigate some shoe de-stinking products.

Here's a gem from Big Mike I found over at the unholy rouleur's blog today, talking about a single speed fiasco:

There's nothing in there about setting up your 20 year old steel retro-fixie with an equally old Selle Italia Turbo saddle then attempting (on your first group ride in 2 decades) to remain smooth in the paceline downhill at 30mph on a 67".

270lb of blubber with 2 giant drumsticks flailing about at 160rpm was never on the design brief when Selle Italia built that saddle for Bernard Hinault. Thus she cracks the undershell, the gapping crack in said undershell bites the inner thigh hard enough to draw blood while narrowly missing what Lance is missing.

Not that it happened to me or anything, this was a totally hypothetical what-if.

Nice